Stephen, I Heard What You Said Last Night
by Midori12
Summary: A collection of one-shots based off of quotes from Stephen Colbert and other fake news pundits. Some Colbert x Stewart and maybe some other random pairings I feel like throwing in here. Latest Quote - Jon Stewart: What are you waiting for? Kill him!
1. Stephen Doesn't Measure Temperature Well

…**Why do I do this to myself?**

**Anyway, this is basically an idea I had for a one-shot, but then I figured this could be an easy way to deal with my random OTP urges without having to spend forever writing a chapter of _But I Just Want to Tell You I Love You! _and _Love You Like A Love Song_ (cause those chapters are never under 3000 words for some reason…). But basically I take a real quote or phrase that was said by Stephen and devote a short one-shot around it. A lot will be Stephen x Jon based, but others will just be funny or whatever I feel like writing about.**

**So let's have fun with it! And just because the title focuses on Stephen, they won't all be quotes from Stephen. Some may be from Jon or John Oliver, any number of pundits.**

* * *

**Quote One: Stephen Doesn't Measure Temperature Well**

_That warmth you feel isn't radiation; it's me loving you back. –Stephen Colbert to his audience_

Jon shivered as he stood outside of Stephen's house. He breathed out slowly, his breath showing visibly in the frozen air. The snow was piling at his feet to the point where he couldn't even see his boots anymore. His gloves and coat were thick, but there was a harsh breeze that ran along his face causing his whole body to feel like a popsicle.

Stephen wasn't here and Jon knew it. After the taping of _The Daily Show_, Stephen had come by to ask Jon out for dinner. He couldn't have asked at a worse time, for Jon had been having a bad day. He harshly brushed Stephen off and before he could take back what he had said, Stephen had disappeared. Immediately afterward, John had walked by and asked why Stephen had stormed out looking upset.

So here Jon was, standing pathetically outside of Stephen's house in below temperature weather hoping to apologize for being a complete asshole. But none of the lights were on, not even the porch light. So either Stephen was holed up in his room in the dark or he just wasn't here. Jon seriously hoped it wasn't the first so he just went for the latter.

But if he wasn't here, what would Jon do now? He already paid the cab driver and since it was late, he wasn't sure when the next one would roll by.

He pulled out his phone and thought about calling for another cab, but then saw the first number on his recent calls list. Stephen had tried calling him before he arrived at the _Daily Show _studio, but Jon had missed it.

Jon stared at the number for a minute. He was tempted to dial it, but before he got the chance he heard a familiar voice.

"J-Jon?"

Jon glanced up to see Stephen staring almost incredulously at him. His eyes widened as he noticed that Stephen was wearing the same exact thing when he ran out of the studio a few hours earlier: his suit and dress shoes. The only change was a red scarf that matched his tie.

"S-Stephen!" Jon trudged through the snow to stand in front of Stephen and paused. Stephen was shaking so badly, Jon was surprised that he was completely frozen solid. "W-what are you doing? It's, like, zero degrees out here and you're wearing _that_? Are you insane?"

Stephen just kept staring at him with a horrified expression, like he had just been stabbed or something. Jon wasn't sure what to do, so he just instinctively grabbed Stephen's hands with his gloved ones.

"Stephen, it's way too cold out here!" Jon exclaimed. "What were you doing?"

"T-taking a w-walk…" Stephen stuttered. Jon frowned. He knew this was his fault. Stephen always took long walks when he was upset, but Jon didn't think he was actually crazy enough to walk in these temperatures without at least a coat.

"Stephen…" Jon let go of the younger man's hands and began taking off his coat. "Here," he held it out to Stephen. "I know it's probably small, but it's better than nothing."

Stephen completely ignored the coat and instead stumbled forward, wrapping his arms around Jon. Jon nearly fell backward as Stephen put most of his weight onto him, but he was able to hold the taller man up.

"S-Stephen?" Jon was confused by his actions, but he thought that maybe he was just worn out. And cold. Really fucking cold.

But then Jon felt something odd. Stephen's forehead was on his shoulder close to his neck, and it surely wasn't cold.

"Stephen, why are you so warm?" Jon asked before thinking the most logical solution. "Oh my God, Stephen, I think you've got a fever!"

"N-no," Stephen held Jon closer to him. "That warmth you feel isn't from me being sick, it's from me loving you…"

Jon's eyes widened as Stephen suddenly slumped onto him. Jon fell to his knees, Stephen falling with him. He held Stephen out to notice he had passed out.

"Nice of you to pass out after saying _that_," Jon sighed. "But seriously, I need to get you inside." Jon fumbled through Stephen's pockets in search of his keys and promptly carried him inside of his house.

* * *

**So I may slightly change the quotes so they make a little more sense in context. And if I were to keep going with this chapter, it would be super long and that would totally defeat the purpose of writing this, lol.**

**And the beginning was mostly just a lead up to getting Stephen and Jon outside in the freezing cold together. Somehow.**

**~Midori**


	2. Stephen and the Missing Marshmallows

**Sometimes this story will involve the canon of my story _But I Just Want to Tell You I Love You! _where Daniel Tosh is a correspondent and John Oliver is a correspondent at the same time Stephen is.**

* * *

**Quote Two: Stephen and the Case of the Missing Marshmallows**

_Where the fuck are my marshmallows? –Stephen Colbert, marshmallow enthusiast_

Stephen walked into the kitchen near Jon's office in a happy mood. Today was the first snow of the winter, and boy was it cold. But Stephen liked the winter. Not only was snow fun to play in—he enjoyed acting like a child every once in awhile, and making snowmen and throwing snowballs at Jon were the only time Jon would allow it without yelling at him (unless the snowball hit Jon in the face, then the fun was over)—but hot chocolate was his favorite.

He grabbed a coffee mug out of the cabinet and fished out the packet of hot chocolate powder from the cupboard. He decided to fill the cup with milk instead of water, since hot chocolate milk tasted so much better than just water. He set the cup in the microwave but before he set a time, he spotted a bag of mini marshmallows on top of it.

"Aww, kick ass!" Stephen swiped the unopened bag and gazed at them intently. "Even better!" he tossed the bag on the table behind him and set the correct time (ever since the cake-exploding incident a few months back, someone normally monitored him when he operated any electronic in the kitchen. But Stephen figured two minutes wouldn't be so bad).

He stared at the mug as it spun in the microwave, not being able to wait to taste the delicious drink. He knew he was going to have to wait a few minutes for it to cool down anyway, but he was tempted to just yank it out and just sip it real quick anyway. But then he imagined Jon yelling at him for burning his tongue for the eight millionth time in the past few months, so he opted against it.

The microwave beeped, indicating it was done heating. Stephen grabbed an oven mitten and carefully removed the mug from the microwave, immensely proud of himself for not dropping it. He blew on it for a minute to try to cool it down, then turned around to reach for the marshmallows…

…That suddenly weren't there.

Stephen stared at the empty table for a moment. He didn't even bother looking elsewhere, for he knew that he had just set the bag of marshmallows there.

Where did they go?

"Hey, Stephen!" Daniel Tosh entered the kitchen at the precise time to find Stephen staring in almost horror at the empty table. He paused. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Where the fuck are my marshmallows?"

"What?"

"Where the _fuck _are my marshmallows?"

Daniel was caught by surprise at Stephen's serious tone. If looks could kill, that table would have a huge hole in it.

"Stephen…?"

"I can't enjoy my hot chocolate without _marshmallows_!" Stephen slammed his fist on the table and glared at Daniel. "Where are they?!"

"How the fuck should I know? I just walked in here!" Daniel waved his hands, trying not to laugh. Stephen was going a little overboard with this, but it was pretty hilarious.

Stephen then stormed around him and took off toward the set. Daniel snickered as he follow behind him, knowing that he was going to explode at everyone he saw.

Stephen stepped on the set and spotted Ed Helms looking over a script.

"You!" Stephen shouted and pointed at him, and Ed looked up.

"Hey, Stephen," Ed smiled. "What's u—?"

"Did you take my marshmallows?!"

Ed blinked. "What?"

"The mini marshmallows that were sitting on the table in the kitchen! Did you take them?"

"Stephen, I haven't even walked in the kitchen at all today."

"What's going on?" Rob Corddry walked up to them, and Stephen turned his glare to Rob.

"Maybe you did it!" Stephen now pointed the accusing finger at Rob and almost jabbed him in the eye.

"What the hell, Stephen?" Rob smacked Stephen's hand out of his way.

"Did you take his marshmallows, Rob?" Ed chuckled, still not understanding Stephen's ordeal with these marshmallows but figuring it'd be hilarious to poke fun at the bald man.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Rob looked at Ed liked he was insane. "Marshmallows?"

"Stephen's misplaced his marshmallows, so we're just wondering if you took them," Ed explained.

"I didn't misplace them, someone stole them!" Stephen yelled.

"Sounds like someone lost their marbles, too," Rob crossed his arms and Ed chuckled.

Stephen glanced around and caught Steve Carell walking onto the set.

"STEVE!" Stephen shouted across the set, and everyone turned their heads toward Stephen. Rob and Ed waved their hands dismissively as if to say they had no idea what Stephen was going on about. Steve turned his attention to Stephen and ran over to him.

"Wow, Stephen," Steve laughed, "what a great way to get someone's atten—"

Stephen grabbed his collar and pulled him close. "_You _took them, didn't you?"

Steve made a puzzled face. "What?"

"Yeah, Steve, where are Stephen's marshmallows?" Rob gave a hearty laugh and Ed snickered.

"The hell?" Steve held up his hands. "I didn't take anything!"

Stephen stared at him accusingly before letting go of his shirt. "Dammit, where the hell are they?"

"Are you sure you looked around before you began accusing people of stealing these marshmallows?" Ed asked.

"Someone had to have taken them!" Stephen shook his fists in frustration. "They were right on the table and then—!"

Stephen paused and everyone turned toward where he was looking to spot John Oliver walking over to them. He was munching on something and was holding a bag…of marshmallows.

"My marshmallows!" Stephen shoved Steve out of his way and stomped toward John.

"Wha?" John said while shoving a few of the mini marshmallows in his mouth. "Wha's hup?"

Stephen snatched the bag out of the Brit's hand. "You took my fucking marshmallows!"

"Well, damn, I didn't know they had a name on them?" John examined the bag. "Oh, wait, _they don't_. I saw them on the table and I wanted some, so I took them."

Stephen huffed in annoyance and walked away back toward the kitchen. Ed, Rob and Steve stood next to John and the Brit spun around, noticing Daniel and Samantha Bee walk up.

"Wow, new lesson, ask Stephen before you take something, even if it's not his," John crossed his arms. Sam raised an eyebrow.

"Did I miss something?" she questioned. Everyone but John chuckled. Then they all jumped when they heard someone yelling pretty loudly.

"DAMMIT, NOW MY HOT CHOCOLATE IS COLD!"

* * *

**The simple solution would be to warm it up again, Stephen. XD**

**Wow, I think this is the first time I wrote a story/chapter involving Stephen that didn't have Jon in it. :O**

**~Midori**


	3. Stephen Really Wants That Pony

**I was gonna wait until Stephen's birthday to do this one, but it's too far away! So screw it, I'm doing it now. XD**

* * *

**Quote Three: Stephen Really Wants That Pony…**

_I wished for a pony! –Stephen Colbert, blowing out Hanukkah candles_

"Who was the smart guy who decided to actually put _forty-one _candles on the cake?" John stared at the fiery cake with worry. "I swear if a candle so much as hits the floor, I'm out."

The group of six correspondents was in the kitchen area behind the _Daily Show _set. On the table in front of them was a huge birthday cake adorned with forty-one lit candles for Stephen's birthday. Looking at the cake, there was hardly any way to even tell if Stephen's name or Happy Birthday was written anywhere on it.

"That would be Rob and Daniel," Samantha said, glaring over at Rob and Daniel. Daniel started snickering.

"Well, you guys asked me to buy the candles because didn't have any!" Rob shrugged. "So I spotted a 50 pack and went from there. And now we have nine extra. You should be thanking me."

"What the hell are we going to use _nine _candles for?" Samantha crossed her arms.

"Maybe they should use those for the age Stephen acts," Steve said, and Daniel and Rob burst out laughing.

"Seriously, guys, that cake looks like it's about to spontaneously combust," Ed examined the cake.

"Wouldn't that be hilarious as fuck if it did?" Daniel grinned and everyone was laughing except for John and Samantha.

"Okay, guys," Jon walked into the kitchen with a smile on his face. "Are you guys—" he suddenly frown as he gazed at the glowing fireball on the table. "What the hell is that?"

"Stephen's cake," Daniel said simply. Jon made a panicked face.

"Are you guys serious right no—?"

"Jon, you took too long!" Stephen entered the room. "You know that I'm impat—gasp!" He stared at the cake with admiration before beaming. "_What is that?_" He asked in a shrieked tone, probably a little more excited than necessary.

"Um, it's a cake…" Daniel said again, failing to understand how it wasn't obvious by now.

"F-for me?" Stephen pointed to himself as he slowly approached the cake. There was so much fire Stephen could feel his face heat up instantly. But he didn't care. The _Daily Show _correspondents actually baked him a cake. They had never done anything for his birthday in previous years for Jon's fear that he would act too much like an idiot, but Daniel must have put a good word in. He would have to give him the biggest hug later.

"Yes, now hurry up and blow out the candles before this place goes up in flames faster than I can say teacups," John remarked.

"Hey, what's the rush?" Steve said. "We have to sing him Happy Birthday!"

"Is a Happy Birthday really worth us burning to death?" Samantha asked.

"I think it is," Rob responded. "I mean, Daniel and I spent forever lighting these damn things."

"I don't even think there's any more lighter fluid in this damn thing," Daniel held out the lighter and scratched his scalp.

"So are we going to sing Happy Birthday or what?" Ed raised his hand. "It's getting really hot in here."

"Easy solution: take off your blazer."

"C'mon guys, the _fire._"

"The cake's not looking so good either."

"_Happy Birthday~_"

"Hey, wait, I wasn't ready."

"Dammit, Daniel!"

"YOU BLOKES ARE GOING TO KILL US!"

"STEPHEN, BLOW OUT THE DAMN CANDLES ALREADY!" Jon shouted finally, and Stephen perked up.

"Okay!" He took a deep breath and blew as hard as he could. Even then, only a few candles went out. He tried again. Maybe only four of the flames died.

"What the hell, Stephen?" John frowned. "Seriously?"

"There's…a lot of candles…" Stephen stared at the fire. It didn't even look like he had blown any out.

"Keep trying!" Ed encouraged. Stephen took a deeper breath than the first time and exhaled as much air as he possibly could on the candles. About half were extinguished now.

"Dammit," he sighed. "Are these trick candles or something?"

"No, you just suck," Rob snickered.

"No, it's just that he can't _blow_," Daniel remarked snidely and him, Rob and Steve burst out laughing. Samantha, John and Jon rolled their eyes.

"Here, Stephen," Jon walked up to Stephen and patted him on the back. "Let me help." Jon took a deep breath and Stephen joined him. They blew on the candles together, somehow managing to blow the rest completely out.

"Awesome," Jon smiled. "Good job, Stephen."

Stephen blushed. "Thanks…"

"Thank God," John sighed. "Now we don't have to worry about dyi—"

"Aww, shit!" Daniel interrupted. "Dude, you didn't make a wish!"

Stephen blinked. "Yes, I did."

Everyone made a face. "Huh?"

"I did make a wish," Stephen said. "I always do when I blow out candles."

"What was it?" Rob asked. Samantha lightly punched his shoulder.

"Stupid, he's not going to tell you—"

"I wished for a pony."

The room got incredibly silent. About a minute later, a cough was heard from someone down the hall.

Finally, John spoke up what was on everyone's mind. "_What the fuck?_"

Stephen stared at the Brit. "Well, after nearly having a heart attack trying to blow out all those damn candles, why not wish for one? It ought to come true since there were so many candles."

Daniel made a face. "Of all the things to wish for…" he glanced over at Jon, who looked away and scratched his chin nervously. "You wished for _that_?"

"Hey, don't judge," Stephen crossed his arms. "It was spur of the moment."

"Spur of the moment? You spent five minutes trying to blow the candles out!" Steve said.

"You know what, Steve? It's _my _birthday and I can wish for whatever I want—!"

"All right, Stephen," Jon rested a hand on Stephen's shoulder. "Calm it down."

"Yeah," Samantha said. "Let's enjoy your birthday. Happy Birthday, Stephen!"

"Happy Birthday!" everyone chimed, except for John who said it nonchalantly. He was just glad not to be burning to death.

Stephen smiled brightly, just glad to have finally made friends with the correspondents. "Thanks!"

Everyone gathered around the cake and spent a few minutes wondering if, from all the candle wax, the cake was even edible anymore. After the somehow unanimous decision that the cake was a goner, they decided to make a trip to the store to buy Stephen a new one.

* * *

"Jon?" Stephen walked up to Jon, who was standing by a bench in the park near his house. Jon had called him only moments earlier and asked Stephen to meet him at the park. "What is it? Do you need to talk about something?"

"No," Jon shuffled his feet without looking at the younger man. "It's just…you said you wanted a pony, right?"

Stephen blinked, then turned his head every which direction. "What?! Is there a pony here?!"

"No, I'm not going to buy you a pony," Jon said. "But if you really want to see some, there's a ranch a ways out of the city. I figured I'd take you there. Just a little road trip, the two of us."

Stephen tried to hold back the biggest smile ever but failed miserably. But he didn't care; he was too happy. "Yay, Jon! Of course!" He threw his arms around Jon so forcefully he almost knocked the older man over.

"Okay, okay!" Jon tried to resist the hug, but quickly gave up and hugged him back.

"This is the best birthday ever!" Stephen shouted.

"Yeah, Happy Birthday, Stephen," Jon smiled, glad he could make his best friend happy.

* * *

**Omg, I make "Stephen" out to be such a child, how does this happen? XD**

**That poor cake, lol. Maybe not as bad as the cake in the third chapter of _But I Just Want to Tell You I Love You! _O.o**

**~Midori**


	4. John's Got a Bit of a Temper

**Okay, so I got into a Tumblr argument with some idiot the other day about putting Daniel Tosh into a Fake News fic. Apparently it's absolutely awful to do so because Daniel is a douche and, supposedly by their argument, they (the person I was arguing with) were jumping the bandwagon of the fandom because it's just gone downhill and is being run by 16 year old fangirls.**

**I basically told them the fandom can go to fucking space if it wants to and that I can write about what I want because it's called _fanfiction _for a reason. And I know there are people that enjoy this, so bleh.**

**So in spite of that, this is going to be Daniel/John centered, since I noticed from _But I Just Want to Tell You I Love You! _that some people surprisingly Ship the two of them. Scarily, I do, too…**

**I guess this is slight canon to _BIJWTTYILU!_ (tired of typing it all out), but not so much that you have to know exactly what's going on.**

* * *

**Quote Four: John's Got a Bit of a Temper**

_Take a long, hard look at yourself you self-deluded, arrogant douche! –John Oliver, one with a temper we suppose_

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You're a complete _idiot_!"

Rob's ears perked up as he heard two very familiar voices yelling in Jon's office, he supposed. It wasn't hard to miss their voices. When the two of them were together, they were practically _always _shouting at one another.

"Why am I an idiot?"

"Because you're just so _stupid_!"

Rob had paused right outside of the door to listen in. The door was cracked, but he didn't bother to peek in. He was curious as to whether Jon was in the room, but quickly brushed that thought aside. If Jon were in his office, he would be a small third voice trying to calm the situation.

"You're not logically answering the question."

"Don't use words like 'logically' to make yourself sound smart!"

Ed spotted Rob and approached him. "Hey, what are yo—?"

Rob quickly threw an arm around Ed's neck to pull him close, then used his other hand to cover Ed's mouth.

"Shush!" Rob whispered while Ed flailed about. He finally slowly edged his vision into the small crack in the door to witness the argument firsthand.

Daniel was sitting on Jon's desk with his arms crossed and rage evident on his face. But it wasn't as bad a John, who was pacing around the room and looked like a ticking time bomb.

"Look, I don't know what the fuck your problem is," Daniel uncrossed his arms to wave his hand dismissively. "But you need to chill."

"_I _need to chill?" John stopped pacing to face Daniel and point to himself. "I don't understand why you always stick up for him. You're just as much an idiot as he is!"

"Hold on," Daniel held out his hand and frowned. He always loved pissing people off, and John was definitely no exception, but things always changed when Stephen was brought up. "You better watch what you say. Are you also implying that because Jon is friends with Stephen that Jon is an idiot, too?"

John gritted his teeth. "I-I didn't say that!" He pointed his index finger at Daniel and shook his hand angrily.

"I didn't say that you said it," Daniel bit his thumb. "I said that you _implied _it."

"Listen, you twat," Daniel's eyes widened at the seemingly offensive word. He needed to study the British slang a little more closely. "I'm getting sick of you."

"Oh, good," Daniel clapped his hands and smirked. "'Cause I'm surely getting sick of you, too!"

John didn't know if it was even possible to get any angrier than he was at this moment. He could just simply punch Daniel in the face for no reason but just existing. "I don't even know how anyone around here can even stand you."

"Y'know, everything you're saying to me I can just say ditto to," Daniel shrugged. "So what else ya got?"

John could feel his sanity flying out of him. If he argued with Daniel anymore, who knew what would happen?

"Well…" John just had one last thing to say; or more like shout. "How about you take a long, hard look at yourself you self-deluded, arrogant _douche_!"

Before Daniel could wittily retort, John was already storming out of the door. The Brit threw the door open with serious force, managing to whack Steve in the face. He had apparently also shown up not long after Rob and Ed to listen in on the argument. While Steve rolled around in pain, Ed continued to flail about in Rob's grasp, and Rob stared in horror at what John was probably going to do to him, John decided to promptly ignore all three and stalked off.

In the meantime, Stephen was looking around helplessly for Jon. When he attempted to turn the corner toward Jon's office, he bumped right into John.

"Ooph!" Stephen took a step back. "Oh, John, I'm sorry. Have you seen Jon anywhere? I need to ask him if he's got that awesome stick of stain remover because I—" Stephen paused when he noticed John wasn't looking at him. "John? Is something—?"

"Shut up!" John yelled as he swatted at Stephen for seemingly no reason before speeding off.

But Stephen's face dropped when he realized why John had nearly swung at him.

Was John…crying?

* * *

John went to the roof of the studio. Hardly anyone knew that there was a way to open the door to the roof, or that there was even access to the pathway that led up there. So John figured I'd be the perfect opportunity to use the vacancy of the roof to his advantage.

He hung over the railing and stared aimlessly out over the city. The breeze was a little chilly, but he didn't really pay it much attention. He swiped a hand under his eyes and sniffled.

"Damn Daniel fucking Tosh," he muttered. "He's such a jerk."

John normally never let things like this get to him; he was a stronger person than that. But Daniel…just drove him absolutely insane. How could someone be that much of a douchebag? Not only that, Daniel supported Stephen's feelings for Jon when it was obvious that John liked Jon as well. John honestly felt like he was in high school again.

And it sucked.

John had always been an outcast as it was, but now that he had to deal with it at work, it wasn't anything pleasant. He thought that discovering that Stephen was an outcast as well would either give John a chance to be friends with him or one up him. John saw him as competition in his way to Jon, so the former wasn't much of an option.

But then fucking Daniel Tosh had to go and screw that all up. And to make matters worse, it was like Daniel _loved _seeing John angry over the fact that he could never get close to Jon.

And it wasn't like John could really do much. It seemed apparent that Jon really liked Stephen, too, and John was just chasing after something that he was sure would never be.

John lowered his head and tried not to cry. This was absolutely pathetic, and he knew it…but there wasn't anything he could do to stop it.

"So, this is where you go and hide, huh?"

John's heart dropped. He couldn't dare turn around, not with the tears streaming down his face. Why did _he _have to show up here of all times?

"Go away," John said simply.

"Nope. Free country. I can go wherever I please."

That damn condescending attitude. John gritted his teeth.

"Just go away!"

"Stop fucking crying."

John's eyes widened. He knew?

"You're the one that started the stupid ass argument, so you brought this upon yourself." John heard him getting closer to him. Maybe he'd be Supreme Dick and just push him over the railing. John would almost welcome it.

But when Daniel put his blazer on John's back, the Brit grew very confused. Daniel stood on the other side of him and John turned to face him.

"What the fuck is this?" John held onto the blazer so it wouldn't slip off of him. He almost threw it off, but noticed that it was keeping him warm.

"It's fucking cold out here, idiot," Daniel said. John thought he was being snide about it, but Daniel wasn't smiling. In fact, he looked rather serious.

"I know that, stupid," John remarked. "What the hell do you want?"

"You can't have Jon and you know that."

John couldn't believe Daniel had just said that so casually. "W-what of it?"

"You keep getting pissed at me like it's my fault or something," Daniel pointed to himself.

"N-no, but you seem to get off on the fact that I love Jon but that I can't have him!" John yelled. "And it pisses me off!"

"Y'know, Stephen's an outcast, just like you are. You should be able to relate to him more than anyone. But yet you tried to be a dick to him just because he liked Jon. And look where it got you," Daniel explained.

John wanted to retort, but he sadly knew that Daniel was right. Even though… "Did that still give you any reason to have to knock me down just because I didn't like Stephen?"

"You didn't like Stephen only because he liked Jon and he was in the way to you getting to Jon," Daniel shoved his hands into his pockets. "You didn't even give him a chance. Just like every other dickweed here."

John blinked. "Huh?"

"Well, now the correspondents are starting to get to know him better," Daniel shrugged. "But maybe they discovered that if Master Douchebag could warm up to Stephen that the others could, too."

John couldn't believe that Daniel of all people could be so insightful.

"Then if you hate me so much, why don't you go comfort Stephen some more?" John leaned over the railing again. He just couldn't understand what Daniel was trying to get at. If Daniel was pissed off at John for not giving Stephen a chance, why would he even bother talking to him?

"Because now you're more of an outcast than he is."

John raised up from leaning over the railing and looked at Daniel like he had lost his mind. "Really, now? So now it's just you're turn to come and pick on me, huh? Wanna go ahead and start with the Harry Potter jokes or something? C'mon, let's go!"

"John, shut the fuck up!" Daniel grabbed John's shoulders aggressively and John inwardly panicked. "I know what it's like to be an outcast! I'm a fucking dick! Everyone fucking hates me! The first thing I did when I began working here was target poor ol' Stephen because he was the perfect victim to bully!

"But in time, Stephen made me realize that he can smile and be friendly even while being outcast by everyone he works with. And he loves Jon more than anything, while Jon tries not to make a big scene out of it. Stephen doesn't understand that, but he's still confident. And seeing that made me want to help him, and he taught me that I could be a better person.

"But you…you did the same thing I did. But you came into this job knowing that you weren't going to like Stephen just because he liked Jon. But Stephen and Jon have always been friends.

"And you've never had anyone."

John honestly couldn't believe what he was hearing. Daniel of all people…could _understand_ him? He knew the same loneliness as John?

"So stop trying to pick fights with me all the time when I try to talk with you!" Daniel said. "I may like picking on you, but I'm an ass to everyone here. I think Jon already accepts that. But you don't have to be alone in this, all right?" Daniel turned away as he said that, and John realized that that had to be the most embarrassing thing Daniel's ever said to anyone.

John smirked. "Fine," he grabbed Daniel's hands on his shoulders and lightly brushed them off. "Fine. I get it."

Daniel huffed, his breath visible in the cold air. "Good. It better be burned into your skull."

"Whatever," John tried not to smile, but it proved futile. He threw an arm over his mouth and hoped Daniel didn't notice. Too late.

"What the fuck are you smiling for?" Daniel smirked.

"That stupid look on your face, you wanker," John began to walk toward the door.

"Wanker? Really, you're gonna pull that British shit on me?" Daniel rushed to catch up to him and they walked side by side. "You're just begging me to make fun of you now."

* * *

**Ugh, how did this end up being this long. AND THIS SAPPY, TOO?!**

**So, I had plans to finish this and make another chapter for Wyatt Cenac before he left _The Daily Show_, but I'm a slacker per usual. So expect a John/Wyatt chapter next because I'M GOING TO MISS WYATT SO MUCH AWJDHAJLKHDFH! ;_;**

**~Midori**


	5. Stephen and the Mistletoe

…**It was inevitable that this was going to happen. XD**

* * *

**Quote Five: Stephen and the Conveniently Placed Mistletoe**

_Look, we're under the mistletoe! This is awkward. By Christmas tradition, we're supposed to kiss. –Stephen Colbert to Jon Stewart, A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All! …And potentially whoring himself out under the mistletoe_

Stephen stared at Jon as he began explicitly explaining the purpose of the mistletoe in Jewish tradition.

Well, Stephen supposed. Honestly, he wasn't really paying attention. As Jon kept making strange faces and ridiculous gestures, Stephen was thinking about the idea of kissing his best friend. He had placed the mistletoe up there as a joke, but now he was actually considering it…

"Y'know, Jon," Stephen crossed his arms, and Jon paused. "We could always try both traditions."

Jon made a disgusted face. "W-wha—? That was supposed to _deter _you from wanting to do anything, not actually want to do it!"

"Well, if you don't want to do it by your tradition, an innocent kiss shouldn't be all that bad…" Stephen lowered his head and scratched his cheek. What was he thinking? Did he really want to go through with this?

"S-Stephen…" Jon looked at him curiously, but Stephen couldn't return the gaze. "Are you…sure?"

"W-well…" Stephen's cheeks were turning a rosy red. "Why not? I mean, it is Christmas…"

"But I don't celebrate Christmas."

"Just go with it!"

Jon fidgeted a bit before his cheeks began to darken in color as well. He couldn't tell if maybe Stephen was joking about it or not. But Stephen didn't stutter very often and he was adamant about most everything he did.

So the fact that he was acting honestly flustered about it…

"J-Jon…" Stephen stepped closer to him and raised his hands up slowly. Jon closed his eyes for a moment as he felt Stephen's warm hands brush his cheeks. He opened his eyes slowly to stare longingly at his best friend. For a few moments, nothing happened.

Then moments turned into minutes.

"W-well, are you going to do something?" Jon stammered.

"I-I'm trying!" Stephen blushed.

Stephen then took a deep breath as he slowly but surely broke the space in between them. Jon twitched as Stephen's soft lips collided with his and his heart jumped. Every moment was awkward, but they tried to make the best of it and kiss just like any other normal person would.

Although, this definitely wasn't a normal situation.

Stephen finally broke the connection, and both of them were left huffing like they had just run a marathon. It wasn't that the kiss was tiring, it was just that their hearts were beating so fast that neither could calm it down.

"W-well…" Jon said. "T-that was…"

"…Interesting…" Stephen turned his head, still too embarrassed to face the older man directly.

They stood in silence for a moment, not too sure what really just happened. Stephen glanced out of the window and noticed it was now snowing pretty hard outside.

"Well, regardless of bears, there's no way we're gonna make it out of here in _that _blizzard," he said, scratching his head. Jon spun around and noticed the raging blizzard outside.

"Good point."

"W-would you like to stay here?" Stephen shrugged. "I mean, we have plenty of firewood for the night, and the couch pulls out into a couch bed…"

"Is there only one bed in here besides the couch bed?" Jon asked.

"Yeah, in the bedroom," Stephen pointed behind him.

"Well, if it's big enough, I don't understand why either of us needs to use the couch bed…" Jon blushed.

It took Stephen a minute to comprehend what he was talking about. "O-oh!" When he did, he felt dizzy. "R-really now?"

"Up to you…"

The blood was rushing to Stephen's head too quickly and he wasn't sure how it escalated from the mistletoe to sleeping arrangements so quickly.

"Let's just sit in front of the fire for now," Stephen pointed and sat down on the floor in front of the fireplace. Jon took off his scarf and coat, threw it over the couch and joined Stephen on the floor.

Neither of them said anything, just enjoying watching the mesmerizing fire and trying to take in all of what happened in the past few minutes. After some time, Stephen noticed Jon's hand holding himself up on the floor and he placed his hand over the older man's Jon twitched, but barely even responded as the two of them thought about what all would become of this night and beyond.

* * *

**Arceus, that ending sucked. XD**

**Welp, of course I had to do a Christmas chapter for this. My thoughts on the awesomeness that would have been the greatest thing to ever witness on television had this happened on A Colbert Christmas.**

**#ThisDefinitelyShouldHaveHapp ened**

**Merry Christmas! :D**

**~Midori**


	6. Jon Orders a Hit

**Um…not sure how this happened.**

**Warning for character death? Not sure why I put a question mark there, but…**

* * *

**Quote Six: Jon Orders a Hit**

_What are you waiting for? Kill him! –Jon Stewart, a leading hand in the murder of Ham Rove…but that's certainly not what _this _story is about._

John somehow managed to drop the gun he had had a stern iron grip on for the past several minutes. He collapsed to his knees, his pants soaking up the pool of blood collecting beneath him.

Someone he had recently been able to call his friend was now certainly dead before him. The bullet had entered through the right side of his chest perfectly; he had been dead before his body even hit the floor.

The Brit had called him into the writer's room of _The Colbert Report_ by telling him he had something very important to tell him. Obviously taking the bait, he crept in slowly gun already drawn and called his name. When he spun around, John hesitated for a split second before pulling the trigger and ending the person's life.

John couldn't stop from shaking uncontrollably. He had just _murdered _someone! There was no taking it back. He wasn't even sure if he would have wanted to anyway.

It was all for _him_, right? _He _would appreciate it all, right? After all, _he _was the one who demanded for John to take this person out, so of course _he_ would be proud.

"S-Stephen…" John muttered to the corpse in front of him, tears streaming down his cheeks but a huge smile adorning his face. "I-I'm sorry it had to come to this, but…I-I'll do anything for _him._"

The door to the writer's room slowly creaked open behind John, and he couldn't even bother with hoping that someone hadn't just caught him having killed Stephen. Instead, the door the clicked shut and light footsteps could be heard nearing close to him.

Arms were suddenly wrapped around John's waist from behind, a forehead resting itself upon his right shoulder. John took a deep breath before uttering his name.

"J-Jon," he said softly. "I-I did it…I killed him…"

Jon didn't speak, instead raising his head up to lightly kiss the Brit's neck. The older man then released his grip from John to walk over to Stephen's body. He tilted his head curiously before leaning over to place his lips onto Stephen's wound. John flinched at the disturbing scene as Jon raised his head to face him, blood having collected around his lips. He smiled coyly.

"J-Jon," John attempted to speak again, but Jon quickly stood up and strode over to him, touching his bloody lips to John's mouth. The younger man's eyes widened. He wasn't sure whether to love the sensation of the one he loved's kiss or be disgusted at the taste of Stephen's blood.

Jon took a step back to face the Brit, his devilish smile catching John by surprise. Though he should have seen it coming. For Jon to have ordered the younger man to commit a murder in order for them to be together…

John had known what he was getting into a long time ago.

…

"_J-Jon, I'm in love with you!"_

_His boss had just stared at him with crossed arms as he leaned against the desk, before smiling heartily. "Really now?"_

_John had nodded, avoiding his gaze by looking toward the floor. When he peeked back up to face the silver-haired man, he was laughing._

"_I-is something really funny?" John asked, worried that maybe he had made the wrong decision in confessing._

"_No, no," Jon waved a hand dismissively. "Just a little…unexpected, I guess."_

"_U-um, okay," John said. "W-well, if you don't have any response, then I guess I'll just step out…"_

"_Would you like to be with me?"_

_John's heart jump when those words reached his ears. He spun around. "W-what?"_

_Jon cocked his head to the side. "If so, you've just gotta do one thing for me."_

"_O-of course!" John wasn't going to pass an opportunity he never thought existed. "I'll do anything!"_

"_Great!" Jon said, twirling around the desk and opening a drawer._

"_So, what is it I have to do?" John asked, and the second he spotted what Jon had removed from the drawer he regretted having agreed to do anything Jon wanted._

_The gun gleamed in the sunlight from the window beside Jon. "You just have to erase my past._

…

John casually wiped Stephen's blood from his lips off with the back of his hand, but watched as Jon licked the blood off of his mouth.

He wasn't sure what is was that had attracted him to his boss, but the second the gun was pulled out of the drawer John knew that he should have just promised not to tell and gave up on everything.

But maybe he feared that Jon would just kill him, too. He couldn't have taken back seeing the weapon, much less having confessed. There was no sure way he would have lived much longer if he just acted like everything didn't happen.

Jon stepped directly in front of John and kissed him once more on the cheek.

"We should probably get out of here," Jon reached for John's hand and began making his way out of the room.

"Jon," John spoke as he let himself be dragged along by Jon. He wasn't sure where they were going, but _The Colbert Report _was done for. With Jon deciding to just leave the gun behind with both of their fingerprints on it, he was positive that _The Daily Show_ was over with as well.

He didn't even need to ask where they were going to know that it was certainly going to be _very _far away.

No, he just had one simple thing to say to him.

"I love you."

Jon paused running to look back at the spectacled man. He smiled warmly, John noticing a spot of blood still stained on his lips.

"I love you, too."

John cringed, knowing deep down that all of this was very wrong, but…

He just couldn't help how he felt.

* * *

**PERMISSION TO HATE ME FOREVER.**

**I just have a really twisted mindset, I apologize for taking it out on this story.**

**~Midori**


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